Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Struggles

It's hard to accept failure. I think it's even harder to accept marital and relationship failure. I'm having a hard time finding a way to fix myself and fix my marriage at the same time. I thought things were starting to get better but then another wave of jealousy and hatred towards each other comes out. The issues that we've already discussed and are trying to work on are now even worse, and there's more of them. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do anymore. Not even a year! We have promised our lifetime together. I'm not giving up on this I just don't know what the fuck to do. I don't want to change my job, I'm not going to stop having friends. I can't be home every night to have dinner with him although I'd love to. It's such a mental battle and I feel defeated. I come home from work and he's sleeping usually. I made a list of the issues that keep coming up:
Him getting blame for portland 
Not seeing me
Spending money (apparently a huge emotional issue)
Hates his job 
Wants to go do things 
Me hanging out after work 
My days off 
Missing family
Needing friends 
Feeling unhappy about marriage 
School debt 
Needing a car 
Feeling bored and sad all the time 
How toxic this town has been to our relationship
Eating dinner together
My drinking
Him not wanting kids 
There's more, these are just what I recall

Sigh.... I don't know. A lot of these are what we are already working on. I guess I'm just not doing a very good job. Does letting all this out over and over again actually help? Or are we reminding ourselves that we are failing. Do we handle one issue at a time? I'm just struggling. I know he's struggling too . I can only hope it'll make us stronger.